The Truth Of Why I feel Broken.

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The truth about me is that now after everything, I feel broken. I feel that I failed as a person because everyone has their life figured out, but that’s not my case. I failed at chasing my dreams because all I find are excuses to not go for them when the real reason I don’t go for them is that I’m scared to fail at it too.

I feel broken because I build so many walls in front of me and I don’t want to knock them down. I avoid conversations about happiness because I don’t know what being happy means anymore. I feel broken because I pretend I don’t notice the things around me.

I feel broken because I have to take care of my words before saying them; if not, I might hurt others and I can’t carry the burden of hurting someone. I have to practise the words in my head again and again to control my tears.

I feel broken because I cancel plans with my friends just to work more or cry alone in bed just to complain to myself about how I'm letting my life pass by and how I’ll end up doing what I was always afraid to do – settle.

I feel broken because I can relate to the dreams and thoughts of everyone that surrounds me. Even when I listen to them and try to do what they do, I can’t be anything like them. I worry everyone since I’m giving up. 

I feel broken because I've been hurt before and I don’t want to go through that again and I don’t want to give myself another chance at that. I just wish I could be all alone and cry a river and let my heart go cold.

I feel broken because emotions aren't the same for me, they are more intense for me and they numb me. They take with them what is left of me.

Maybe I just feel broken because I don’t do the things girls my age do. I don’t party because I don’t like to dance with strangers.  I don’t live wild and free as I wish because I have more responsibilities than the ones I wish I had. Basically, I am not where I want to be now because I don’t have the time to be selfish in thinking just about me. 

I feel broken because I see that everyone is finding themselves and I’m still stuck finding a reason to escape from my reality instead of accepting it. Life is a joke, but most of the time I’m part of the joke. It laughs at me not doing what my heart wants to do.

I feel broken because whenever I smile, it’s a lie. Whenever I laugh, I’m only putting on an act. I’m trying to make everyone think I’m fine and that I can move but the truth is that inside, I’m crumbling. 

I feel broken because no one understands what I’m going through, they just know half of the story. No-one can understand how I feel, but maybe someday I’ll find another broken soul that would understand and heal my wounds because I’m tired of feeling alone.